Driving back

I just spent a long weekend in Yosemite with family. Mostly it was lovely, but it was also work as my parents were wrapping up the sale of their B&B. We hauled away heavy stuff, went through boxes of papers and camping gear, and looked over a lot of old photos.

My mother made a habit of keeping things we sent her, especially in our youth. Over the weekend she was kind enough to hand them back now that we’re adults. These were not always the happy things one normally associates with their parent’s keeping. For instance, mixed in with the first paid magazine article I wrote (and immediately sent to her) was a note from way back when I was a born-again that is filled to the brim with Christianese. This is a part of my past I am not always fully comfortable with, but curiously she kept a memento from then any way.

But I bring this up because I think this is a great idea. Most parents keep mementos of their children. But even better, I think its a good idea to keep them, and then hand them back to your children when they are old enough to have children of their own. Certainly it better to receive these things from your parents hand, rather than after a funeral. That way you both have time to reflect over them, the good and the bad.

IMG_1550One the way home I took this shot while driving south on Highway 41 near Fresno. You can see the hammerheads forming over the Sierras, which means its warm and moist in the valley. The clouds look small in the photo but each one of them is the size of a large town. These kinds of clouds are common in the Sumer, but not nearly so much in the early Spring. Also we saw yellow daffodils in bloom at my parent’s place, which is some 6200 feet in elevation. This time of year the Sierra’s are usually still packed with snow. This year I didn’t see any snow, not even in the shady parts of the road. And flowers this early, especially that high up, are very rare.

I don’t know what all of this means, except it was a lovely way to say goodbye.

 

My Book of Ideas

Way back in 2003 I bought a little note book. On the cover I scribbled “Eric’s Book of Ideas.” It wasn’t my first notebook. I’ve had several, most of which are stuffed filled of poems, songs, sketches, and whatnot. In a way, these notebooks work like crumbs to mark the trail of my emotional journey as I slowly worked out how to be a man and deal with the outsized set of emotions with which I was born. To say a lot of the writing is tedious and overwrought would be fair. They are. It is. Perhaps you had a better way getting to where you are, but I didn’t. In some ways I still don’t.

But that being said, I hardly write poetry any more. I haven’t really since I met Teri. Its as if poetry was some strange language I spoke only when I was single, and when I settled down I somehow lost the ability. I find this idea fascinating, and wonder if you, dear reader, have also had a similar transformation. Have you? I can assure you, mine was not intended, it just happened. Moreover, I am all the better for it. At least the marriage part. The poetry, I’m not so sure. Even now, when I look back over it, I find my poems tedious and overwrought. I can’t imagine you would experience them differently.

In any event, I mention this because I pulled out this particular notebook the other night, and read through it, cover to cover. Over the course of its use (I’ve since switched to using my iPhone, and thus do not write in notebooks anymore) I went through a lot of changes. Trevor grew up. I grew into appreciating fatherhood. (believe me, I wasn’t so sure at first, even though it was my own idea) I took a screenwriting course at the local college, and I switched back to writing fiction. All of these transformations are marked in these pages. Not by the words directly, you’d have to know the transformations were there to see them, but echoes of these changes are clearly imprinted in the words.

As a diary of sorts, it makes for fun reading. Its good, I think, to be occasionally reminded from whence you came. But as a journal it is extremely lacking. There’s no direct connection to any part of the real world. With the exception of a single note, which remarks that Trevor turned 20 months old on that particular day, there is almost no connection to my day-to-day life. Its as if a drunk monk went over your life, randomly picking things important only to him, and somehow used this as the basis of your biography.

So I suck at my own history. Sue me.

But I did find, on this recent excavation, a few ideas worth mentioning here. One was a story idea called “I Know Americans” which I jotted down in 2003. To my knowledge, this is the only story I’ve thought of that takes place in an advertising agency. Considering I’ve spent the better part of 24 years in one ad agency or another, I find the absence funny.  This story I have already started, and hope to finish soon. No promises yet on when it will come out because I think it’ll be good enough to send out for publishing. You can be sure, though, that I’ll post here on its progress. Its a fun one, and I think my peeps who have had been stuck sweating with me in the advertising mines will appreciate its scope and ideas.

The other thing from my notebook I find worthy of your attention is a poem. This one is a rare poem I wrote it in 2013, well into my marriage. It is also less about my own emotional mess (or my fears of being single forever, and ever, and ever, and ever) and more about helping others. I guess marriage has been good for me. I’ll post it tomorrow. Look for it then.

In the mean time, if you have something to share from your notebooks, or whatever method you use to measure your progress, feel free to share it here or on Facebook. I love to see how other people work out their shit. If for no other reason than to feel like I’m not the only one.

From on old poem

I want to cry at weddings and funerals.
I want to laugh at the sky,
and call down the stars.
Speak to the moon as a friend,
and the stars as close family.

I want to reach, grasp, and obtain,
my life.
With my own two hands.

 

From Late Night Coffee (Manipulate III)
-ERK 8/3/95

Art Cinéma at the Thai Restaurant

Last night, in a pique of laziness, and after eating bland food at home so often because we’ve been sick, I rebelled and went out to the local Thai restaurant. We’ve been there often enough, even though its new, that the girl who works behind the counter recognized me on sight and greeted me with a warm smile. We talked for a bit, I paid, left a tip, grabbed my food, and left.

Now the parking for the place in accessed through a alley between the restaurant and a pharmacy next door. So I walked out the door, made a u-turn to the south, and started down the alley. It was a dark out, 8:30 or so, in the winter, and the sky had that curious quality to it I’ve only seen in LA. It looks like it is night, but that everyone had left their night-lights on. That’s the best way I can describe it. If you’ve ever been in a house with lots of night-lights stuck in the outlets all over (something we did when Trevor was a baby) there’s this curious thing about the lighting. It is both night, and yet you can see quite well, especially if you get up in the middle of the night and your eyes are adjusted. Both night, and not night, dark and not dark, if that makes any sense.

The alley I walked down is paved with dark asphalt, but the walls on both sides are either white or a light shade of off-white. Straight ahead of me was a massive sycamore tree, blocking out my view of the 2-story apparent right behind it, and most of the LA skyline. In fact, my entire view of the night sky was proscribed by either wall or tree.

Now you have to understand, around here, in the San Fernando Valley, the horizon line is a dominant feature. It really is a lovely bowl of a valley with mountains all around. Almost no matter where you go you at night see the bright stars of houses twinkling upon the jagged edge of the mountains. After the flatness of the San Joaquin Valley, where I grew up in the subtile shadow of the distant though much larger High Sierras, the more constant and visible relief of the San Gabriels and the Santa Monicas against the sky are a joy.

So when I walked down that alley, it was suddenly like being transported to a different town. Gone was the skyline which the eye longs for with every outside walk. The walls around me practically glowed in that “night-light” effect. The tree ahead was dark, with a few apartment light peaking through its bare branches. And it was at that moment I looked up into the sky.

Have you ever seen the milky way? I mean really seen it? Gone to someplace so remote, and clear that it stands out in the night sky like a river or stars? Its a lovely sight; worth every effort to go and see. Alas one of the flaws of LA is that the milky way is not accessible in a place that looks like everyone has left their night-lights on. Its way too bright down here. But when you cut off all the light around, say by a wall on either side, a curious thing happens, the night sky appears darker. Not quite dark enough to see the milky way, but darker still.

So when I left the restaurant, and looked up into the night sky, I got a real treat. The sky was dark, darker than it normally looks. I don’t know if it was the absence of the bright horizon line, or what. Even thought the walls on either side of me were light colored, and relatively bright, they were still dark enough to not leave my eyes night-blind. There were  a few faint clouds in the sky, not enough to brighten it, but just enough to add a slight texture to the dark. Almost like seeing the milky way but faintly. Orion, that constant winter companion, was up and bold, as were a few stars and a planet or two. They twinkled above in their lovely way, made more crisp by the relative darkness of the sky.

And it was at that moment that I stopped, literally in my tracks, and looked around. My ordinary trip to a restaurant, a rather perfectly mundane errand, was transformed by a bit of natural theater, and happy accident of lighting, into a piece of Art Cinéma. As if I had stepped out of my ordinary life and was suddenly standing in a Jean-Luc Godard film.

And it was breath-taking.

*&@%#$ Lawyers

The other day I got a letter in the mail. It appeared to be from my health insurance company, but in fact, upon closer inspection, was from a third party. On the top it says “On behalf of Anthem Blue Cross”. The words on behalf of was my first clue.

Below the fold the letter states:

Dear Member. We need your help. On behalf of our client listed above, you are being asked to complete this questionnaire. Meridian Resource Company is reviewing your claims to determine if the services you received were a result of an accident in which another party may be responsible for payment. Examples include, but are not limited to…

So its a money hustle. Turns out, I’m not the only one to get such a letter. JohnMac from the Daily Kos got one as well. His response is much more polite than mine.

It turns out that there’s a name for this kind of thing. Its called Subrogation. Apparently, when I signed up for my health insurance, I signed up for subrogation as well. I guess I missed that clause in the sea of lawyerese. Still this kind of crap irks me.

Last summer my right shoulder started bothering me more than the normal amount. Way back in college I injured it playing flag-football, and ever since then its needed to be warmed up well to function. Add a few decades, a kid, a pool, and a busy father with no time to think about warming up first, and eventually you get a problem. In my case, Frozen Shoulder.

At the time I didn’t know what it was, I only knew I couldn’t move my shoulder, and whenever I did it hurt enough to knock my knees out from underneath me. Even worse, it got to the point where the pain was keeping me from sleeping. No sleepy, no worky. In the course of seeing my doctor about this I got asked a bunch of times if this injury was the result of a car accident of work related injury. I always answered no, because it wasn’t.

Apparently that NO was sufficient. Now a company I have no direct relationship with is asking me for information so they can fleece down somebody else and raise corporate profits. And to think I have friends who call taxes theft.

Does this kind of sleazy money hustle piss off anyone else like it does me?

On outsiders crossing the wrong lines

…or an alternate explanation as to why Phil Robertson got into trouble.

There are lines in the world that don’t appear on any map. You will not find them in a travel book or a website, but they exist as ways of dividing otherwise comfortably homogenous areas, and if you cross them they can cause you harm.

The first time I can recall crossing one of these lines as an adult was just after I moved down to LA.  My roommate and I decided to got clothes shopping at a store called International Male. For those that don’t know, IM started as a clothing catalog. For all I know there’s still one today. At the time I first noticed it, I thought IM was just a catalog for trendy men. It was only later, when I visited the store in West Hollywood, that I realized there was something more to the store. Perhaps is the was unusually large number of good-looking young men on the streets, perhaps it was the absence of women in the store, but I think what clued me in the most was the giant billboard featuring two attractive men and advertising a gay cruise line. I had one of those, “I think we’re not in Kansas anymore”, moments, and did my best to act cool.

See I grew up in a smaller, more midwestern town. A town where you could openly call someone a faggot, and never be mistaken by your meaning. Nor would anyone stop you because you weren’t being political correct. This is because that was how the town’s social structure worked. There were no jack-booted thugs (presumably with red necks) wandering around making sure everyone was sufficiently homophobic. You didn’t need that. All you had to do was pay attention to those around you, and mimic how they acted. And in that town, at that time, being gay was an insult. In other words, it was politically correct to be homophobic.

And yet in parts of Los Angeles, only a few hundred miles south of Clovis, calling someone a faggot would earn you stares, and social rebuke. Everyone spoke the same language as they did in Clovis, wore (for the most part) the same clothes, but judging by the billboards it was such a different town that it might as well be another country. Just like in Clovis, there were no jack-booted things (presumably in pink satin with shirts reading “fag” on the front) wandering around keeping the PC standards in place. There were just people with slightly differing expectations of social intercourse.

And that the important point here. The lines were drawn by the people. It was the people who chose what was acceptable and what wasn’t. And it was the people who enforced these unwritten rules. There were no signs, there was no way to tell, except by close observation, but there were some places where “faggot” was an insult, and other places were it was only used for irony.

So yeah, for those that don’t know, there are places in the US that have been staked out by homosexuals. Again, they don’t rove the block in well-appointed gangs, but they do enforce their own community standards, and if you happen to cross those standards you can expect to get in trouble.

Which leads me to Phil Robertson, the guy from the show Duck Dynasty. Much ink has been spilled lately over his words in an interview, and his subsequent firing, and rehiring. I don’t have a lot to add to any of what has been said except to say, “so what?” I disagree with his expressed opinion, but I’m also old enough to understand that there and many people who feel the way he does. As a gay friend of mine said, “my skin is thick enough for the Phil Robertson’s of the world.” Indeed, it is.

But in the brouhaha over this incident, I’ve also read a lot about the gays taking over, and making everything PC. I don’t see that either. I think there’s another explanation, a simpler one. One which has the benefit of being easier to prove.

Much like that part of West Hollywood I mentioned, earlier, the city of LA has its own moral code. And while there are places which are exceptions to this rule, most of LA frowns upon homophobia. This goes double for what they call in this town “The Industry”, which is short for the entertainment industry. There’s a reason for this, and it shouldn’t be a surprise for any one near my age.

We all grew up with that special guy in high school who maybe liked musicals a little too much, hung around the drama club, or spoke in a high voice. Or maybe it was that gal who was a bit large for her size and excelled at sports, or wore here hair a little too short. We all knew people like this. You can’t escape this experience in high school. The point is not that these people exist, but what happened to them after high school. You see, a lot of them left their home towns, and moved to the big city. LA, NY, SF, and the like. Places where they would feel more at home, where they’d fit in. Places where knowing all the words to every Rodgers and Hart musical made you a star, not someone to be scorned.

And when these self same people moved to the big city, they needed to get jobs, because, well all those fancy close and trendy haircuts aren’t cheap. Amiright? And have you ever priced a good interior designer? OMG!

So where I work, meaning advertising for The Industry, probably one quarter to one third of the men I work with are gay. Maybe one quarter of the women are as well. Not enough to organize into squads in pink jack-boots, but enough that calling someone a faggot could very easily cost you your job, and would certainly earn you rebuke. Again, this may not be your social standards, but they are mine. They’re not enforced by thugs, but they are enforced all the same.

And this is where I think Phil Robertson caught so much hell. From what I can tell, Phil was merely expressing his own social values, values that honestly come from the place that he lives. Unfortunately for Phil, he doesn’t just work where he lives. A large percent of the people who work to make his show a success live in towns like mine, with social rules like mine. And this, I think, is where the people at A&E got mad. Phil had crossed one of their lines, crossed the unwritten contract that says, “that shalt not act the bigot, unless its against conservative politicians.” In short, he was an outsider who crossed the wrong line, and said faggot when he should have said, Republican.

This, I believe, is an easy mistake to make. Phil can rightly believe his show is an invention of his social structure, and not that of Hollywood’s or New York’s. After all, it is almost entirely shot on location, isn’t it? Except…except, its not just a show from his duck hunting swamps. Its also a show that is edited, advertised, sold, and distributed by people living in gay friendly cities. Moreover, I think Phil should know this too.

Perhaps he does. Perhaps Phil was just doing the red-neck version of using controversy to increase his value right when it was time to renegotiate his salary with the network. Personally, I hope this is the case. I would rather think of Phil Robertson as being calculating and shrewd than your garden variety bigot. But whatever he thinks, I doubt he’ll cross this line again. Or as the old adage goes, “Don’t shit where you eat.” Phil may work in the swamps of Louisiana, but his paycheck comes from an office in New York. And the odds are very likely that his paycheck was cut, ironically, by a faggot.

And that, I think, is the best irony of all.

Scrooge is in the House!

I’m about to rant here. If you don’t want to see it, look away.

There’s a WestJet commercial going around FaceBook featuring an elaborate set-up where passengers are asked what they want for Xmas, and then their wishes are fulfilled when they land at their destination. Everyone is wearing blue hats and such. Even the old fart himself, Santa, makes an appearance.

All of this is great except for two things. 1) Its a commercial for an airline. Granted its a smart one, a perfect ad champaign that is well suited for both the holiday and the internet, and 2) This is not a celebration of life, caring, or even happiness. Its a straight up selling of consumerism, albeit dressed up in a fancy blue outfit.

Perhaps I’m old fashioned, perhaps I am WAY off base, but I always thought the gift aspect of Xmas was a way to acknowledge family and friends. You give gifts to those you wish to express a “thank you” to. Sure giving gifts to random strangers is nice, especially if they have a genuine need–I mean nothing say Merry Christmas like giving a legless veteran a wheel chair–but these were not “needy” people, they were regular Joes. In fact one could say they were probably all fairly well off as airline travel is still one of the marks of middle class. You want to help the needy, go to your local bus station. They’re not hard to spot, believe me.

Moreover, they didn’t deserve these gifts. Had they done something–some charity event, helped the poor, worked in a food line at the local YMCA, anything–I’d feel different. But these people got gifts solely because they were at the right place and the right time.

So what we have here are needless gifts being given to a few (relatively) rich strangers for doing nothing. I’m sorry, but that doesn’t strike me as Christmas. That strikes me as rampant consumerism. Apparently nothing says merry Christmas than an over extended credit card.

How about for Christmasy stuff we celebrate, caring. We celebrate giving, especially to the needy or to family and friends. We celebrate the hard work of others, especially the unsung heroes who make all of our lives better. But most of all, lets celebrate the love that we see in each other. Not the happiness we get when we’re given yet another large screen TV.

And I’m not even going to touch the religious aspect except to say that if Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of the Christ, then let us celebrate it with all the joy, reverence, and respect such an occasion deserves.

 

For far too long Xmas has looked like an episode of “The Price is Right”. Lets put an end to this crap.

A fist full of ideas

I was going over my computer, cleaning things up while I was waiting for a very large file to upload, and I noticed my writing program (Nisus Writer Express) had about 20 files open. Part of the way I work is to leave open files of stories or ideas so that I run across them every time I start the program. As a system its a bit chaotic, but its helps me remember the odd idea. But 20 is a bit more than I need, and it was starting to clog up my screen space. So I started going through them, and you know what? There’s some really cool ideas on my computer just waiting for me to have time to flesh them out. Like a time traveling princess who becomes an ambassador, or the geek guy whose first date with a hot girl ends with piles of dead zombies. Its funny how quickly I forget.

I’m still working on my middle grade novel, Order the Goddess of Small Machines. I got in a few chapters yesterday. I’m up to 17 I think. I doubt it will get over 25, so I’m on the home stretch. Alas, rereading the beginning the other day proved to me that the first few chapters need some serious clean-up. Once I get through that I’m thinking of putting it up here a chapter at a time. What do you think?

A letter to Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook

I wrote this letter after my recent experience with the repair of my computer. What do you think the odds are of him responding?

 

Mr. Cook,

I recently had my 2011 iMac repaired at a couple of your Apple stores this month, and I thought you should hear of my experience. The staff at the Glendale, and the Grove stores (both in southern California) are friendly, helpful, considerate, and kind. My every interaction with them was excellent. Really. So good job there. Alas, when it came to actually repairing my computer, the service was terrible.

 

The first store I took my computer to (Glendale) was able to accurately diagnose and repair the problem (A faulty video card and Logic board), and do this a reasonable amount of time. That is until the tech damaged a part (the ambient temp sensor cable) which required an additional 5 days to be shipped and installed. None of this was explained to me when I called after 5 days asking about my computer. Over the phone I was told again and again it was “almost” ready. This went on for 4 days. It was only when I showed up in person that I learned what had happened. Had someone told me, I would have been happy to come in and take my machine, returning it when the part had arrived, since the temp sensor is not critical to daily use. Sadly, I was not given this option.

 

Then, when I brought my iMac home from the Glendale store I discovered that the audio output from the headphone jack was damaged, apparently as a part of the repair. Rather than trusting my computer to the same store again, I decided to try the Grove store as it is close to a client of mine. Much like my first experience, the employees at the Grove store were helpful and friendly. They even let me come back to the store a few hours later and download some files I had forgotten. But when it came to the actual repair, they were a no show. I dropped the computer off first thing Monday morning. When I called on Friday evening, I was told they hadn’t even started yet. And this was to fix a mistake caused by one of your own techs. It was at that point that I decided I was through with your service.

 

The computer now sits on my desk, unrepaired.

 

But I didn’t write you to complain. That was just the backstory. Here’s what I wanted to tell you. All of this is greatly unnecessary. You guys sell very good products, and your personal service is truly outstanding. Its just went a computer goes behind the Genius Bar that your service sucks. If I may be so bold, allow me to make a few suggestions:

 

  1. Remember that us users form relationships with our computers. We not only use them, we rely upon them. Having them gone, even for a little bit, is worrisome. A bit like leaving a pet for surgery. So when we leave our computers in your store, we are trusting them to your care. Be worthy of that trust. 
  2. Keep it personal, all the time. As it stands, when a computer is left for repair it is put in a queue, and all contact with the customer is lost. Why not do the opposite? Assign each repair to a tech, and have them contact the customer while they are doing the repair. Texting would do, FaceTime would be even better. Anything to keep the experience personal. This is, after all, what you guys excel at. 
  3. When your stores make a mistake, prioritize the repair. Expecting a customer to go an additional 3-5 days without their computer for a mistake caused by your staff is grossly unprofessional. 
  4. Your store’s standard repair time of 3-5 days is onerous and unnecessary. How would you feel if you had to go 3-5 days without your phone or your computer? Most of us “little guys” do not have the excellent staff you have, and cannot afford the money or time to rent a computer while our main rig is in for repair. Hire more staff. Train them well. You do want us using your products, right? You gain from our dependance, right? Well, back it up then. 
  5. Don’t overlook the little guy. I run a tiny business, a sole-proprietorship. Even though I’ve been using Apple computers since 1988, you are never going to hear of me. My needs are not large enough to for something like your Joint Venture program. It’s just not cost effective. It would be nice if your stores didn’t treat me, and others like me, like we were insignificant.